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Advice columnists are asked for help about all sorts of unique and sensitive situations, and that is definitely the case in a recent letter sent to psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb, the woman behind The Atlantic's Dear Therapist column.
The letter comes from a woman who decades ago married a man with two children of his own. At the time, they decided they wanted to have a child together but her husband had gotten a vasectomy years earlier and it could not be reversed. The woman explained, "We didn't want to use a sperm bank, so we asked my husband's son to be the donor. We felt that was the best decision: Our child would have my husband's genes, and we knew my stepson's health, personality, and intelligence. He agreed to help."
Now, 30 years later, the mom wants her daughter to be aware of the situation but isn't sure how to tell her about it. She asks, "How do we tell her that her 'father' is her grandfather, her 'brother' is her father, her 'sister' is her aunt, and her 'nephew' is her half-brother?" She adds, "My husband and I are anxious, confused, and worried about telling her. This is also hard on my husband, because he wants our daughter to know that he will always and forever be her father."
Gottleib had some advice for her, noting that her daughter will not only grapple with the revelation of who her real biological father is, but also with the knowledge that her parents "have deceived her." She suggests the mom "state the facts as simply and clearly as possible" then apologize and "take full responsibility for not telling her the truth from the beginning." She warns not to "make excuses" and to talk "as little as possible" so that her daughter can express how she feels. Gottleib also advises that the "brother" should be given a heads up that the daughter is going to be told the truth so he can prepare for anything that comes after it as well.
If the mom did decide to reveal the truth to her daughter, there's no word on how it went.